How do I look?

One of my favourite newsletters to read on Substack is called unflattering and it has nothing to do with the performing arts - it’s a newsletter, in fact, about getting dressed. The focus of unflattering is unravelling our relationship to clothes and bringing to light the many unhelpful and subliminal messages that we get (and, in particular, that women get) about what our bodies should look like. Some explanation for the newsletter’s title can be found in this post by its author, Dacy Gillespie - she has many questions about what the word flattering actually means and why it doesn’t haven’t to be our default priority. Who decides what’s flattering, for example? And if you’re wearing something that’s traditionally considered unflattering - why should this be a problem? Women in particular are raised in a culture where the basic message we get about putting clothes on is that we should always be attempting to look as hot and as small as possible. What if we changed our priorities and told ourselves that our goal when getting dressed was to be as comfortable as we could possibly be?

What’s been impactful for me about reading this Substack is the way it draws your attention to the gap between what something looks like and what it actually is. A dress can look beautiful on you whilst simultaneously cutting into your waist so your breath is restricted throughout the day. A pair of shoes can make your legs look longer and also render you incapable of walking at any kind of pace without considerable pain. We are taught that what clothes look like is everything. But really, it’s what clothes are (what they feel like, what they make you feel, what they change about the way you interact with the world) that matters.

This dichotomy, between appearance and reality, is present in many aspects of life, including in much of leadership. As with the concept of clothing being flattering, we can often find ourselves focusing, at both a personal and an organisational level, on how other people might perceive our actions and, therefore, us. We may feel we need to perform our leadership in ways that we think are recognisable to other people - I’ve written before about the way leadership is depicted in stories that form part of our culture, and when these ideas embed themselves, we can find ourselves, subconsciously or otherwise, feeling like the only way we’ll be perceived as a leader is to behave in a way that may not necessarily fit who we really are.

How you present yourself as a leader is not an insignificant thing - part of the job is having a presence within the sector and the wider world in order to advocate for and speak about your organisation. There are leaders that you might have met or be able to think of who do this brilliantly - whether at conferences, in interviews, or via an active social media profile, they come across as someone who’s passionate and driven and intelligent and the kind of person that you would want to work for. But experience has taught me that there is no direct line between talking the talk and walking the walk. Sometimes a leader that talks passionately about their values really lives them out in the way that they run their organisation. Sometimes, though, these much talked about values are conspicuous in their absence - a leader might espouse fairness, but run an organisation where a hefty amount of nepotism is at play, or they may speak about the importance of a positive working culture but behave in a way that isn’t conducive to making it a reality.

We also live in an age where organisations themselves are often under pressure to ‘say something’, to respond to things that are going on in the world around them, to express a view or opinion or to show solidarity with a particular group. Whether or not an organisation should make a statement about any given thing depends on many factors and is particular to the company and the circumstances, but a question that’s worth asking is what we feel any kind of statement might achieve. Saying that you’re in solidarity with someone or something doesn’t necessarily mean that you are. Calling something out publicly doesn’t mean that your own house is in order. Making a statement (either as an organisation or in a personal capacity) can make it feel like you’re doing something - but unless it’s backed up with some action, you’re probably not.

Some of the greatest leaders I know don’t spend a lot of time talking about their values or their views. If something happens in the world that stops us in our tracks, they take the time to do the deep, internal work of asking if and how it impacts their organisation and what they might learn or do differently. They may rarely talk about their personal values, but they live them out, in a million small moments and actions that the majority of their team never see, but collectively create their identity as a values-based leader. Ultimately, the old saying is true: actions speak louder than words.

One of the greatest examples of someone calling out the difference between appearance and reality is in the extraordinary show The Wire. In this scene, Omar Little, sometime police informant, is on the stand being cross-examined by defence lawyer Maurice Levy, who is frequently employed as counsel for high-level drug gangs. In this scene, Maurice is trying to convince the jurors that Omar is not to be trusted - he draws attention to Omar’s main profession, robbing drug-dealers at gunpoint for their cash, and describes him as a parasite that leeches off Baltimore’s drug culture. In one of the greatest lines in a show full of great lines, Omar comes straight back at Maurice. “Just like you, man” he says. “I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase.” And of course, he’s right. Maurice looks respectable, with his suit and tie and office and legal qualifications. But he’s doing exactly the same as Omar, taking money from the drug gangs to defend them for crimes that, often, they’ve actually committed.

So don’t let concerns about how your leadership presents itself to the world take up too much of your brainspace. Yes, there are moments where your public-facing presence and voice need to be seen and heard, but most of the time, what matters are the choices that you make every day, to show up and behave, lead and live in a way that chimes with your values. Those small everyday acts are the real building blocks of who we are - not the story that we might choose to spin about them.