I'm better than you

A field guide to the humblebrag and its many disguises

To my mind, there is no sin more heinous than the humble brag. I actually find it more offensive than full on bragging - at least when you meet someone who’s just brazenly talking about how brilliant they are, you know where you stand and can head for the nearest exit. But the humble brag is more cunning - it’s slipped into conversation, or kicks off an otherwise sensible social media post, and before you know it, you find yourself feeling mildly irritated but unable to fully pin down why.

I’d like to illustrate three sub-genres of the humble brag that particularly peeve me, each with their own distinct features and characteristics.

1. Age

Unless you are communicating about something that is specifically linked to how old you are (e.g. a post about the challenges of taking on a leadership job in your 20s) there is literally no need to talk about the age you were when you did something - specifically, how young you were when you did something. Our society is obsessed with youth - just look at the bevy of products and procedures aimed at making us look like we’re not aging - and this extends to achieving something at a young age being viewed as some kind of badge of honour. LinkedIn is littered with posts telling me that this person was earning six figures by 30, or that person got their first book deal at 25, and for the most part, the inclusion of the age at which the thing in question is achieved is entirely irrelevant.

2. Isn’t my life mad!

There’s an episode of the British sitcom The IT Crowd where Jen (played by the magnificent Katherine Parkinson) meets up with a friend from school who she wants to impress. Wearing a smart suit and sipping white wine, the friend starts telling Jen about her day so far. “Nanny’s chasing the dog around, all the kids are screaming, absolute bedlam, and here’s me running out of the house to go to a meeting with the major shareholders. My life is an absolute nightmare!”

This perfectly encapsulates a particular flavour of humble brag - presenting one’s life as chaotic when really you’re just listing all the things you’re lucky enough to have. Look - I have enough money to have a nanny! I’ve also got kids - another thing society approves of! And I’m important enough that my presence is needed with some people who likely have even more money than me! When people start describing an endless list of broadly desirable things that they have to cope with using the tone of voice usually applied to a funny anecdote, you know you’re in humble brag territory.

3. I was once like you - and you can be like me

This one is more subtle but easy to spot once you’re attuned to it - it is, in fact, the verbal version of the notorious ‘before’ and ‘after’ concept featured in weight loss / plastic surgery / other concerning cosmetic procedures promotions. Someone will be begin by describing something relatable - ‘I used to have no time for myself, I put everybody else’s needs ahead of my own’ - before segueing into a revelation that they had that led them into a new, transformed state - ‘now I draw firmer boundaries, make sure I leave work on time, book in dates to see my friends to make sure I’m not staying in the office too late’. Whilst this advice isn’t the worst thing in the world, the way it’s framed has a more problematic inference - I, through intelligence, willpower and/or commitment, have managed to reach a higher state of being than you. These kinds of comments are all about individual choices and the subtext (that we could all do this if we only put our mind to it) misses the potential difference in circumstances between the speaker and those being spoken to - ‘making sure you leave on time’ implies you have a level of autonomy and control over your working hours and/or work in a culture that supports employees to have boundaries, two things which are definitely not universal.

Photo by Raxit Gamit on Unsplash

The thing that’s interesting about humblebrags is that they can often contain achievements that people should absolutely be proud of. If you’ve worked your ass off and got a senior job before the age of 30 - good for you! Juggling kids, pets and a job is hard - well done for making it through the day! And it is always easier to stay as you are rather than make a change, so anyone who has reflected on their current position, decided it isn’t working for them, then changed something to make it better deserves congratulations.

The problem of the humblebrag is the relative casualness with which these statements are made that belie the lack of effort beneath, as well as important context that might change our perspective. To take the age example - getting your first senior job at the age of 30 might mean that you slammed it all the way through your twenties at the expense of your mental health and your social life - a trade which not everyone may wish to make. Or, you may have been handed your first senior job at the age of 30 due to a headstart because your mum works in the same industry as you and introduced you to all the right people. None of this is visible when you casually drop into conversation that you had an executive level job before your third decade was out.

Here’s the thing I want you to take away from this post - I bet, if you read through the list above, that you will have done a humblebrag at some point in your career - maybe at multiple points in your career. I know I have - and when I’ve done so, it is absolutely not intended to make anyone else feel bad, it’s usually because there’s something I’ve done that I’m proud of, and there is a part of me that wants other people to know about it. But because humblebrags lack important context about how you achieved that hard thing, we risk giving those coming up behind us a false impression and, particularly when it comes to leadership, I think we could all do with being more transparent about the career paths that led us here and how we hone our craft (including how we juggle work and life). This doesn’t mean never talking about the things we’re proud of - but it does mean giving the relevant context so that our audience, whoever they might be, can actually take something useful from it.